I am good at online dating

A perverse and in-depth guide on how to score the man of your dreams! (WARNING: he will suck and you will hate yourself after)

I have done my time in the trenches. I am a veteran of an outwardly silent and an internally loud war. The war for honestly any version of romantic connection. I really do think I would settle for a high-five where maybe our fingers brush for a second too long. Yes, it is exactly as dramatic as it sounds.

Online dating is a game I have come to be good at. I have sharpened my talons, polled my best pictures among my close friends, and asked anyone with a penis to rate and review my profile before hard launching it to the public. I have spent years on and off every version of the app and I’ve met these people in the wild. To further establish my ethos as someone who has earned the right to speak on this issue, let’s take a look at some of the statistics:

*I wanted to include the number of Meaningless Online Yearn-uationships, but the bar was too tall and did not fit on the graph

I have been on a humble fifteen first dates from dating apps in the last two years. This may seem like either a high number or a low number depending on the level of tolerance you have for random men. To me, this number is excruciatingly high. Unfortunately, the number of second dates is much lower, and third dates even lower than that. I would like to boast that every person I have been on a first date with has asked for a second date. Some call it my raw animal magnetism, and others my intriguing bluntness and weird vibe. I’ll let you decide.

All prompts shown have been on my profile

To get to where I am as the foremost dating guru of my generation, I have spent a meticulous amount of time deciding what each picture and prompt says about who I am as a person, because they do say something. I have a photo of myself playing pool, for example. That photo says that I am easygoing, competitive, and cool. Someone found in a bar, but not just there to nurse a girly drink (I had a virgin Shirley Temple that night), nay, I am there to win a game. I am not concerned with getting hit on (this photo is for a dating app?), I am effortless and hot in a mysterious way (I spent weeks deciding on this photo).

Every photo must be used to its highest potential, as there are only six slots. You must look pretty, and cute, and hot, because why settle for just one? But you cannot be too hot, or that will give the wrong idea. Because contrary to all known facts about online dating, I am here for a relationship, not just sex. You must look like you have friends, but not so many photos of your friends that you can’t tell which one is you. And definitely not a photo where your friend looks hotter than you.

You must show you have a life, but you can’t lie. Lying about your hobbies is a one-way trip to a hiking date when you loathe hiking and are desperately out of shape. You have to be funny, but not too funny lest a man find that threatening, or worse group you in as “one of the boys”. You have to seem desirable while simultaneously hating something new about each photo you’ve picked. This is a good thing, it keeps a constant flow of profile improvement going. Your three prompts should cover each of the following bases:

1. Something real about who you are and your interests

2. Something funny/endearing/easy to respond to

3. A mix of the two (as featured below)

While this essay is rooted in satire, this advice will yield results.

The above photo is my current third prompt on hinge. I like this one for many reasons. Firstly, it is honest. I truly do not kill bugs of any kind. Secondly, it is cute, funny, and makes simple men go “Aww, she’s probably nice and gentle” (this could not be further from the truth). I also like that it helps me weed through likes. When a man responds to this with, “I kill spiders, tho.” it automatically disqualifies him. Why would he say that to me when I just told him I don’t kill bugs?

Everything about dating apps is both a test and a game. Which photo a man likes is indicative of his true spirit. If he likes the photo of you in the wilderness or doing one of your hobbies, he is probably pure-hearted and sees beauty in you outside of your looks. He may also share interests with you. If a man picks the ass shot? He has great taste. He knows a good ass when he sees one, but we both know what he’s here for.

No longer in use because I love astrology.

Online dating is as much about curating your own profile as it is about getting good at weeding through other people’s. I am a person who dates both men and women, but for the sake of this guide (and the fact that women’s profiles are always stunning), I will be focusing on men. Below is a working list of immediate red flags in a man’s hinge profile (please comment if you have other suggestions):

1. The first photo is a group shot. I will not do the labor of scrolling down to figure out what you look like.

2. He says he is looking for a “short-term, open to long” relationship. What on earth does that mean? It means he is evil.

3. The photos are all very high quality and Instagram-able. You should not be an Instagram baddie at 25, I will not compete for best feed. This also goes for any version of black and white photos, this is not Tumblr.

4. He asks for your Instagram or Snapchat instead of your number. If he still uses Snapchat at all block him.

5. He answers all of his prompts with one word. Ex: This year I want to: “Travel”. Please do, you will not be missed.

6. His name is Jason. You know what you did.

7. He is in any branch of the military (except Air Force). I promise the cheaper groceries on base are not worth it, that man will not provide for you.

8. He is wearing sunglasses or a hat in every photo. What are you hiding?

9. A tall man mentions how tall he is.

10. Mentions pineapple on pizza as a conversation starter. Where is the creativity? Where is a whimsy?

11. Similarly, if he uses “Getting my hoodie back after you’ve ‘borrowed’ it.” ANYWHERE.

12. If he mentions “brunnettes vs blondes”. Redhead erasure?

13. He is shirtless in more than one of his photos. Even worse if he is shirtless and flexing, and even extra worse if his entire profile is from the gym.

14. He looks like a different person in every photo. I don’t care if he looks like Chris Hemsworth in one of his photos, the version of him that looks homeless will be the one that shows up on the date.

The rest of the weeding-out process is completely subjective. I highly recommend getting clear with yourself on what you are looking for and what is important to you in a romantic partner. For me, religion, political affiliation, substance use, height, age, and humor are all important. I prefer: no religion, liberal politics, limited/substance use (hard drugs will not be tolerated), height above 5’10 (I am 5’8), and an inkling of personality shown through the profile. I will make concessions depending on the circumstances (ex. any height above 6’2 gets a free pass on any one red flag of his choosing).

Refer to Red Flag List: item six. Also, I never want to hear the words “socially liberal” near my profile. Go bathe in your ‘tax cuts’.

So now let’s say that you made it past the weeding process and actually found a fresh one that meets the initial qualifications. First, let's take a moment to celebrate this accomplishment. Who cares if there is an 80% chance the spark dies before it is lit, in the hinge pile of gremlins, you found a princeling! In this instance, he either liked your profile, or you need to make a move on his.

If he liked your profile, even larger congratulations! You have bypassed the initial stressor of having to make the first move. The best outcome of this is that he responds to a photo or prompt with something witty or a question and the conversation can easily flow. Unfortunately, this rarely happens. The likely outcome is that you have to come up with something more creative and engaging than “hi” or “How are you?” as an opener. From here the stress will eat you alive to the point where you won’t respond to him at all, the potential for connection will reach its expiration, and you will never speak. But hey, at least he thought you were hot.

To save you from this all too predictable and, as the very LOUD men “suffering in silence” say, frustrating fate, I have some suggestions. (These suggestions also work if you are looking to like his profile)

Ex. of showing personal interests

1. Look through his profile with a fine tooth comb. Does he have any obvious interests (as pictured above)? If so, find one you have in common and make a comment, bonus points if it is a question. ex: “I love plants too, do you also name yours?” this is good because it asks him a question, while also disclosing something about yourself, it leaves the door open for more conversation.

2. Lightly insult him. This may seem unorthodox, and it is profile-dependent, but good banter and building tension is one of the most fun ways to start getting to know someone. Something I use frequently is responding to the inevitable photo of them golfing with “I remember my first time golfing too”. It is jabby without being genuinely mean, and most of the time the responses to this are hilarious. From here, the conversation takes a natural path instead of a question-and-answer interview path. (If he gets genuinely offended, this is an immediate red flag that he takes himself too seriously.)

3. Compliment him. This can be in a normal way (self-explanatory), or in the way I do it. If a man has a photo of him in an outfit I like, I usually respond to that photo with something along the lines of, “Planning to steal those overalls as we speak.” It compliments him without being too nice. I have a genuine problem with being nice to men I don’t know, this helps.

4. If he doesn’t have any inkling of personal interest or personality showing through his profile, take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself why you are attracted to men who are boring and “too cool” to write an engaging prompt.

Other lightly insulting options I find fun:

• On a photo of him holding a fish: “Aw he’s so cute and small.”

• On a photo of him snowboarding: “I remember when I was doing bunny hills.”

• On a photo of him with his mom: “Is your sister single?” (also works on the dad)

• On a photo of his car (eye roll): “Nice Camry”

• On a photo of him flexing his biceps: “Was it leg day?”

If the men in my comments have problems with these, I implore you to look within and find some semblance of joy in your heart.

If you are stumbling upon his profile in the wild and need to make the first move, there is a slightly different approach. You can take the easiest route and just like a random photo without writing a single thing. This can be good if you like him, but not enough for real effort. It gives him a chance to win your favor by creating an opening line himself. If you find that you want to make yourself stand out, using the above conversation starter suggestions can help elevate your like. These are all parts of the give-and-take when walking the line between nonchalance and yearning.

This was fun and games until his curse actually worked

If you have made it this far, take an exhale. You did the hardest part. You have found a prospect, started a good dialogue, and are one step closer to a date. All you have to do now is decide if that is something you actually want. Do not get swept away in catering to make him like you. Decide, is he making an effort to see you? Is he planning a date? Has he asked for your number? These things will likely not happen overnight, but they are all important in making sure this ends with something live and in person.

Signs you will not get asked on a date (or will not want to go when asked):

1. He takes days to respond, and when he does the responses are dry and lack thought.

2. You have been talking on the app for over a week with no mention of meeting in person.

3. He says he wants to see you but puts no real effort into doing so.

4. You are bored. Some people aren’t great texters, but if you can’t stand responding to him, just end it now.

Yes, I did send this. No, he did not match with me.

So, he asked you on a date. You are mostly on your own for this part. The chemistry will work or it won’t. He will be the person you want or he won’t. Confidence is key at every stage, but most importantly when meeting him in person. Here is all I can offer as in-person advice:

1. Always meet there. Don’t go to his place on the first date ever.

2. If you don’t think you are worth being with, he won’t either.

3. You are allowed to say no. Do not continue a date if you feel uncomfortable.

4. If he is nice but you’re not interested, don’t ghost. You don’t have to tell him in person, but it takes two seconds to send a text.

5. No man has ever been worth feeling intimidated by. I have dated up to 8 years older as someone still in college and I can say confidently that every single one of those late 20s- early 30s men is still a fucking child.

6. If you can’t decide if you like him or not, go on the second date. Connection isn’t built in a day, sometimes the second date is a turning point.

7. A similar sense of humor is more important than I can possibly stress. If you don’t have fun with him he is not the one.

8. Putting a man on a pedestal is a death sentence. Force yourself to find an ick.

9. Do not neglect your life or your own needs to date.

10. Don’t settle. Online dating is exhausting, but not as exhausting as sticking it out with someone just because you’re afraid to be alone.

11. Fly free.

By now you either defied all natural law and met the love of your life, or you are so frustrated with the entire process that you are going to delete the app out of pure rage and spite. Good for you, I hope it lasts. Either way, when you get bored again, or just miss the external validation, all you gotta do is redownload the app, rinse, and repeat. This guide will always be here, because as it stands, so will I.

If you want to support my work further, please consider buying me a coffee.